what comes when I wait

culture teaches us to strive

We glorify busy.

And exhaustion.

We prove our worth by working ourselves into the grave.

We willingly place ourselves and our lives inside of structures (climbing the corporate ladder) that drain us physically, mentally, and emotionally. We buy into ideas of what a successful life looks like and sacrifice ourselves on that altar.

Culture teaches want.

And I have always been a person who wants

I am a person with great and pressing desire.

I have dreams about my life, about where I would like for it to go and what I would like to experience and how I would like to leave a mark.

Each moment that goes by shows me what is still missing, what I still hunger for, what seems more than ever - out of reach.

For much of my life it has seemed to me that I accomplish things in a one step forward five steps back pattern.

There has been and continues to be a lot of sitting alone in the dark.

But lately, there has been a flow

Softly, opportunities have been presenting themselves to me, flowing to me easily. I’m not pushing for these exchanges or reaching out for them in desperation. 

Doors seem to be opening without me banging on them. 

And while this feels new, the truth is, if I look back over my life, I can see that everything really great and transformative that has happened, everything that was completely exciting to me, that fed me, that advanced my work, that helped me in some way - came to me gently, without strife.

It simply showed up. 

I didn't beg for it or harm myself in order to get it.

Which is not to say that I haven't worked hard or don't work hard.

I take action.

I give my time and energy to the work that matters to me.

But I don’t want the energy of striving in my life, or in my work, because that is not an energy that feels good to me, and it is not an energy that seems to make anything good happen.

I rarely see anything of quality or worth come about because I pushed for it or sacrificed my own well-being for it.

In fact, when I look at the things in my life that have not been so good- the things that have wounded me, or held me back, or sent me spinning down the wrong path, it’s almost always something that I forced into being, that I insisted upon even though all of the signs were telling me no.

When I hear people talk about grabbing what you want this is what I think of.

I really don’t want to grab anything. I don’t want to beg for anything. I don’t want to see myself as someone who must beg.

Or hustle.

Or convince.

I no longer wish to see myself as locked outside the gates of God searching for a key.

I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be led, and what I mean by that is this: I've learned to get very quiet and listen to the voice within, which is the voice of God. I've learned to discern. I've learned to tell the difference between holy guidance and the ego. I've learned to move in the direction God asks me to move, then wait.

God is not a vending machine

And I am not omniscient.

I do not believe that I can or should have everything I want.

I do not believe that I control the circumstances or events of my life through my thought or my vibration. 

But I do believe that when I let go of gripping, I allow the flow of divine love. 

So I am leaning back into that flow. 

EAch Day, I trust a little more

I see that if I get quiet and breathe into release, things will happen, opportunities will arise, I will be guided and all I have to do is follow that guidance.

If I'm exhausted and need to sleep, I can do that. 

If I'm overcommitted and need to make room on my calendar, I can do that.

The world won't fall apart. 

And I don't have to worry. Ever. About missing the boat or getting noticed or proving anything to anyone.

I am allowed to be.

I do not wish to live in a culture of strife

I don't want to smash, compete, dominate, crush, grab, triumph over, outdo, overcome, win, beat, fight, or wage any sort of war.

I wish for peace and love. I wish for grace and acceptance. I wish for ease and vision and forgiveness and pleasure.

I am tired of the patriarchy and its language and its push and its grip and its white knuckles and its violence.

I want to float in the arms of the Great Cosmic Mother and feel myself a part of her. I want to whisper my dreams into her hair and feel her whisper back, calling me beloved.

I want to live the life I was meant to live, and I believe that when I rest in stillness and trust, nothing can keep me from it.

If the door closes, it wasn't my door. If the train leaves the station, it wasn't my train. God will send another boat and another boat and another boat...

What comes when I wait is my own spirit back to me, my own secret name. 

My work is sacred because it is written into my soul.

This map of my life, drawn in the heart of God - it isn't a battle. Or a trick. Or a game. Or a system I have to figure out.

It is a holy promise.